Two Precious Days

The relief I felt when the midwife told us that Madelyn had a heartbeat was very short lived.  I soon started to realise that a heartbeat did not mean that everything was going to be okay.  I was desperately piecing together everything that had happened during and after her birth, trying to work out how long she had been without oxygen.  No one could tell us anything more about Madelyn’s condition as she was still being assessed in the neonatal unit, and we were told we needed to wait until the consultant could come to speak to us. 
In the meantime, we sat mostly in silence wondering if we should start letting family know what had happened.  I couldn’t cope with the thought of their reactions and my mind started to wander, almost frantically.  How were we going to tell everyone?  How were we going to tell Noah?  Was he ever going to meet his new sister?  How could I get the Flopsie bunny that Noah had wanted to buy for her?  I hadn’t had time to buy it, and now she might never get i…

Madelyn's Birth Story

So, it’s taken me a lot longer than I’d hoped to add to my blog.  I’ve been torn between which part of life after baby loss would be best to start with after my last post, but I eventually decided the best place to start would be back at the beginning of this journey; when our beautiful girl was born.
Madelyn was 6lb 6oz and was 46cm long, something not a lot of people know as they don’t tend to ask after your baby has died.  You also don’t really get the chance to share your birth story as you don’t really get asked about it.  I’m not sure if people think it’s inappropriate to ask these things when you didn’t get to take your baby home, or if maybe it’s just the sort of thing some people find too upsetting to hear about.  To be honest, I’ve taken a long time to decide whether I want to tell everyone Madelyn’s birth story because I’ve always been very conscious of upsetting or scaring people - especially those who may be expecting a baby themselves - but I want to share as much of he…

Two Years Without Her

I decided to start this blog as a kind of therapy for myself.  Most bereaved parents tend to start blogging or writing down their thoughts soon after their loss, so I feel like I’m doing this a bit backwards but I need to start somewhere.  I’m not expecting a lot of people to read it - to be honest I’m not much of a writer – but I’m doing this for myself and if another bereaved parent happens to stumble upon it and it helps them in some way, that’s a bonus.
Yes, it’s been two years since our beautiful Madelyn was taken and I’d hoped to be in a better place by now, but it’s still so hard to accept.  I know that part of that acceptance is the understanding that we will always feel her loss; that she will always be missing from our family, but that makes me so bitter and angry at times.  I miss her every minute of every day, and it upsets me knowing that my family miss her so much too, but a lot of my anger stems from the fact that she never got a chance to live.  She never got a chance…